Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Pushing Me Away

Out of the blue the other day, I remembered how M asked me to stop calling. She distinctly said, "We'd like for you not to call anymore because he understands about the phone and will reach for it." I remember that he would have been old enough to do that, but certainly not old enough to understand who he was "talking" to.

The thing is, I can't remember how old he was. How long did I get to call them whenever I wanted? Hear updates about his growth and milestones whenever I needed? I honestly cannot remember at all. But I do remember how it felt to be told that. To completely understand that a solid door was closing.

A couple of thoughts came to mind after this memory surfaced. One is that they could have asked me to call after he was in bed for the evening. So why didn't they? Clearly, it was an opportunity to go ahead and cut off that kind of contact.

I have always been willing to be engaged. They have repeatedly pushed me back.

Christmas is coming, a time when I normally send a letter and presents. I thought I might stop this year, especially knowing he doesn't want contact. Well, I would just be doing what they most likely want if I cease at this point, and look where doing what they want has gotten me so far.

I honored their request to stop calling years ago rather than countering with another option (I was just so shocked by the request and figured that at some point it would resume ... duh). I can't help but think that with so little contact from me, it has only contributed to him not wanting contact.

So I am going to just do what I want this year for Christmas, what I feel I need to do.


Blogger Harmonygirl said...

I haven't read all your blog, just this post. I didn't get anything in it that your son did not want contact. I am assuming it was his adoptive parents who made the request. Do what you want but please consider staying engaged despite their requests. If you don't time will take a toll and make it that much harder for future contact. I am an adult just coming out of a fog of many years of denial that I had a first mother. It is so painful to remember that I forgot her. Different times and secrecy and shame played a big role. Good luck!

5:05 PM  

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