Tuesday, June 17, 2008

More Grief

I dropped my mother off at the airport and it feels like Sunday night. Tomorrow I get to start over. Yay. But tonight, I wallow in my grief for my dad.

I miss him so much. It seems that nothing can go through my stream of consciousness or past my line of vision with me thinking of him. It’s not as obsessive as it might sound. I am not doing it on purpose. It’s just that so many things make me think of him, without even trying.

For one thing, where I live is so much like the areas he and I would camp and fish in. The roads are so much like those we would travel on to get there. After a brief hot spell, the weather has turned that perfect camping weather of cool evenings and warm days. I had to come outside and sit on the porch to enjoy it tonight.

It’s also because he taught me how to think. How to learn. How to appreciate life. How to wonder about differences. How to love nature, fresh air and peaceful evenings. Just like it is right now, with my mother gone and the temperature a mere 73 degrees, the crickets (or whatever they are) chirping.

No, he wasn’t perfect, but can’t my mother miss him just a little? She is so damned relieved to be rid of him. It's awful. She even used the phrase "God bless his soul," at one point. And you know people only say that when they are speaking ill of the dead.

The only reason I was sad she was going home was that she wouldn’t be sharing any of her visit, and therefore me, with him.

On some level I knew but never truly realized how much of an extension of him she was. Now that he is gone, I have no reason to like her.

The two of them helped me to be the competent person I am, so my mother isn’t without value. But I do wish sometimes that she was a person I could love.


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