Pre-Birthday Lull
His birthday is less than two months away. I am pretty sure I get this way every year. A kind of lull, an acceptance of how things are.
I think it's because enough time has elapsed since Christmas that all the raw emotions have subsided from the Christmas letter, or lack thereof. It's far enough away from the birthday that I don't have to act quite yet, meaning I don't have to start writing a letter or worry about what to buy for a gift. So I find myself, as usual, mentally thinking, "F*ck 'em. I won't send anything - they can see how it feels to be ignored." But of course, deep down I know I can't really do that.
I long ago stopped writing a letter in response to the Christmas letter since I always wound up feeling like an ass when I still wouldn't hear anything from her until at least the following Christmas, if not the Christmas after that. This point was driven home after telling them about the birth of my daughter, albeit it 15 months after the fact. (Hey, I wasn't ready to share her with them.) Eight months passed until I heard anything in response to that news, and nothing about my son was included by her - no news, information or picture(s).
This past Christmas I shared with them that my father had just died and that I was devastated. Wouldn't people who supposedly care about me have sent a card or note by now?
I know they're decent people, but apparently I just don't rate high enough for compassion.
Part of the lull also has to do with the ball being in my court. I never get anything from them this time of year, so there are no expectations of them on my part.
And probably some of it has to do with the fact that at this time of year spring finally shows up and there is just something about warmer weather, longer days and time outside that just mellows me out a little and also gives me some hope in life, humanity and the future.
I think it's because enough time has elapsed since Christmas that all the raw emotions have subsided from the Christmas letter, or lack thereof. It's far enough away from the birthday that I don't have to act quite yet, meaning I don't have to start writing a letter or worry about what to buy for a gift. So I find myself, as usual, mentally thinking, "F*ck 'em. I won't send anything - they can see how it feels to be ignored." But of course, deep down I know I can't really do that.
I long ago stopped writing a letter in response to the Christmas letter since I always wound up feeling like an ass when I still wouldn't hear anything from her until at least the following Christmas, if not the Christmas after that. This point was driven home after telling them about the birth of my daughter, albeit it 15 months after the fact. (Hey, I wasn't ready to share her with them.) Eight months passed until I heard anything in response to that news, and nothing about my son was included by her - no news, information or picture(s).
This past Christmas I shared with them that my father had just died and that I was devastated. Wouldn't people who supposedly care about me have sent a card or note by now?
I know they're decent people, but apparently I just don't rate high enough for compassion.
Part of the lull also has to do with the ball being in my court. I never get anything from them this time of year, so there are no expectations of them on my part.
And probably some of it has to do with the fact that at this time of year spring finally shows up and there is just something about warmer weather, longer days and time outside that just mellows me out a little and also gives me some hope in life, humanity and the future.
posted by Jayne at 9:23 PM
1 Comments:
Jayne:
When my g'ma passed away three weeks before my wedding, I had mentioned it in an e-mail update I sent with my wedding photos.
That didn't get acknowledged either.
I don't know when adoption became an excuse for extending human decency. But I'm sorry.
(((HUGS))))
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