Saturday, December 29, 2007


I've experienced loss before - my best friend, my son, my father-in-law. Losing my father is even worse, and I thought it would just be the same.

My father was the one person I felt knew me best. He and I had so much in common. I felt like I was his reflection and now I have nothing to reflect. It is amazing to me how many things in any given day make me think of him and are therefore touched with that sadness of not being able to share them with him and then wondering what the point of it all is, then.

He was a bit old fashioned and felt that once I grew up I should be independent, and after I was married his job was done. As a result, we did not talk often, but there was definitely still a bond, a love between father and daughter. When he was terminally ill and I spent time with him, I did not feel that there was any unfinished business between us.

I miss him incredibly. Not being able to share observations and thoughts with him bothers me so much. Sure, over the years there were few I did share with him, but the option was always there and now it's not. And it's killing me.

He used to send me flowers at Valentine's Day with a card that said, "From the first man in your life." I would jokingly tell him that technically the doctor was, but I realize now my father really was the first man in my life and that I have spent my entire life loving him, seeking and receiving his approval, living in his shadow, finding my meaning in life through his. Now that he is gone I feel lost and pointless.


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