Anger
The anger is back and I didn't recognize it until just now.
I absolutely hate the way birthmothers are so dismissed in our society. Treated as interesting plot twists in the entertainment world and otherwise ignored.
And I'm angry because here I am at the beginning of yet another Christmas season. I am no longer under any illusions that I am going to have the contact or reunion I want and was expecting. He will be 16-1/2 in just a couple of weeks. This is a semi-open adoption of sorts. If had had wanted any level of contact by now, it would have happened.
I realized tonight that I am still trying to be perfect. Damn. Will it ever stop? A big part of me feels like I just don't measure up as a mother. For example, it's time to cull some of my daughter's toys and the task unnerves me. How can I be certain I am removing the "right" ones from her collection? Ugh.
I absolutely hate the way birthmothers are so dismissed in our society. Treated as interesting plot twists in the entertainment world and otherwise ignored.
And I'm angry because here I am at the beginning of yet another Christmas season. I am no longer under any illusions that I am going to have the contact or reunion I want and was expecting. He will be 16-1/2 in just a couple of weeks. This is a semi-open adoption of sorts. If had had wanted any level of contact by now, it would have happened.
I realized tonight that I am still trying to be perfect. Damn. Will it ever stop? A big part of me feels like I just don't measure up as a mother. For example, it's time to cull some of my daughter's toys and the task unnerves me. How can I be certain I am removing the "right" ones from her collection? Ugh.
posted by Jayne at 8:35 PM
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