Sunday, June 08, 2008

Sending the birthday gift

I am about to tape up and address the box. As I was wrapping the present yesterday, I wondered how much longer I will do this. Will this be the last gift I send? Will this be the last time I put something in a box and think about how something I've touched, he will touch?

I am tired of the other thoughts that occur when I send birthday and Christmas gifts - the thoughts that include "what does he think of me?" "How does this gift affect the impression he has of me?" I hate not knowing.

But I also realized as I put the items in the box that the young man I am sending this box to is not the baby I carried, birthed and held. I felt I knew that baby. I do not know this young man. I truly thought I would have known more about him, had more snapshots, more stories of his childhood, maybe even a home-made card or note from him. I don't know the color of his eyes or his blood type - questions I've asked M but, like many other questions, including 'what happens to our letter and gift exchange once he enters college and adulthood?' have gone unanswered.

I guess as usual I'll take it one day at a time, waiting and being ready for him or her should they want or need me.


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