Pity Party

I had a really crap-ass day. I have really enjoyed my new job and the people there but then I go in today to find out that the other women there don't like me. They don't like the way I come across and are concerned that my personality won't mesh with theirs. I'm not fired or anything but it came as such a shock I started crying and I've cried on and off all day because to me the bottom line was, it wasn't something I am or am not doing, it's WHO I AM that is the problem. And it's really the same message I've been getting for 9 friggin' years. People here have been telling me directly and indirectly that I'm not from here and never will be. Duh. I know that. Can we get past it already? So thanks to my damn Yankee parents, I'm different from you small town country bumpkins. Big deal.

I am so tired of feeling out of place. I know the Hubby would feel out of place if we leave so it's not fair to ask him, and whose to say life would really be that much better.

What I haven't mentioned yet on this blog is another delightful experience. Last Friday night we took our daughter to the emergency room because one of the family cats sunk a claw into her face. Turns out they won't seal puncture wounds due to the risk of infection from it being inflicted by a cat. So 4 hours and $150 later they sic a social worker on me who inferred that I was neglecting my daughter by allowing her to be scratched repeatedly by my cat, yada yada yada. I made it through that interview before I burst into tears, although Hubby then walked away since he didn't know what else to do as I had a meltdown in the hospital hallway. Like I didn't feel badly enough for not getting across the room in time to prevent my daughter from being scratched and possibly having a lifelong scar, a social worker has to come and tell me I'm not a good mother? (It is healing pretty nicely and if anything, it will be a pin sized scar.) Oh, and thank you Nameless Friend who pointed out to me just today that I now have a permanent record with DSS.

I'm just tired of trying to damn hard at everything and coming up short. I know I have it better than a lot of people and I shouldn't complain, but tonight I just can't help but feel sorry for myself and wish I was living someplace where I could be me and that would be okay.

So tomorrow I'll go in, smile and nod, and be as polite and pleasant as possible, and we'll see how long the gig lasts. Meanwhile I'm still debating whether to bother Hubby with the latest since he's been out of town all week and isn't due back until the day after my birthday.

Oh, and two days ago I received an email stating that my brother and his wife have rescheduled their scheduled c-section to a day that happens to be my wedding anniversary. He used to be a little more thoughtful about stuff, but he has changed a lot in the last year. For example, this is the same brother who wanted to know why I had gone to Home State last month when he was also there - um, because I was invited by him to his son's birthday party?!?!? So when I'm not feeling like I'm on everyone's shit list, I am reminded of insignificant I really am.

And no, I haven't gotten any response from M yet (or should I even bother with using the word yet?) either.

Okay, now that I've dumped all this out, I can begin to feel a little better.