Authoritarianism

I didn’t realize how much of my life was dominated by the authoritarian way in which I was raised. I was reading a book about organizing (yep, I still have my clutter problem) and came across a section that described the various reasons why some people have issues with taking care of clutter or cleaning. It turns out that I totally identified with the description associated with an authoritarian parent. Basically, whatever I did was never good enough and as an adult I just feel defeated before I even start. Yep, that’s it exactly.

When it dawned on me that I was actually living my entire life this way, it was VERY freeing to all of a sudden realize that I wasn’t going to get anyone’s approval for anything AND I didn’t need it. That may sound like a no-brainer to some folks, but having been raised by parents who approve or disapprove of your every move and expressed thought, you just assume there are always going to be folks out there expressing their approval and disapproval over your thoughts and actions.

The thing is, I don’t really matter enough to anyone else. While this used to bother me, I now recognize that it’s a good thing because that means no one is paying attention and I am free to be me. And WOW what a difference that realization has made for me! Sure, I’ve had to remind myself a few times, but basically I am free to take care of myself as I see fit, I am the only one responsible for myself and my well being, and ALL the pressure is finally off of me to be so damn perfect. *whew*