Thursday, April 19, 2007

Frustration yes; Resentment no

I adore my daughter and I love spending time with her. I read some mommy blogs and from time to time there are tones of what I'll call resentment in some posts. I've assumed that it's only inevitable for that to happen to me, but it hasn't yet. I posted about this once before, too, several months ago.

My daughter is quickly approaching her second birthday and while I get very frustrated at not having enough time with her, at always having so much to do, at running late more often than I'd like, etc., I have never resented her. The few times I have felt a little frustration when she was whining or not cooperating I instantly recognized were due to my own fatigue and I just backed off and realized that she was just as tired as I was (hence the whining and non-cooperation) and took a deep breath - not that I'm some perfect super mommy, because I'm not. I just am not going to take my frustration out on her. I refuse.

It's really kind of weird because under any other kind of situation I do lash out to some degree. For example, I might say something mean to my husband when he has no bearing on the situation that got me frustrated. Towards my daughter, however, it's like I'm another person, something just comes over me and prevents me from targeting her.

I was thinking perhaps I have more patience and love for her than I imagined I would because of placing my son. Today I realized I was wrong about that. One of the reasons I placed my son was my assumption that I would be an angry, frustrated mother - like my own. But my attitude with my daughter is apparently not simply to make up for not parenting him, it comes from the years of being the target of my own mother's resentment. I did not realize how deeply that affected my very being, but apparently it has if I am able to so naturally NOT be resentful towards my daughter and all the demands motherhood does make on me.

It is good to know that the anger and hate that my mother oozed is not going to poison my daughter after all.


Blogger Poor_Statue said...

I also thought I would become like my mother: cruel and angry. It is one of the main reasons I placed. I hope to find out, as you did, that I will not follow in her footsteps.

11:05 PM  

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