Monday, February 19, 2007

I agree with her

Maxine wrote:

I don't want the lingering grief of his adoption to take my daughter's childhood as well. Here's a horrible thing, sometimes I feel guilty for the joy I take in my daughter, like I don't deserve to be happy as a mother.

This is me, too. I have to constantly catch myself and remember to be my mother's daughter and not grieve my loss when I am with her because she needs me to be her mother, to enjoy her, to love her as fully as I can. It's gotten better, but for months - at least until her first birthday - I was deeply concerned that my grief was going to affect her and then (on top of everything else) I felt guilty about what unknown consequences there would be for her emotionally, having to be raised by me. This, of course, just cued the "you aren't good enough to be a mother" voice into the loop.

For now, that demon is not as close to the surface, but he's not gone.

1 Comments:

Blogger kim.kim said...

Demon is a good word to use. I didn't have any other children and I was always afraid to.

Still reading your blog and feeling validated.

5:20 PM  

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