Thursday, January 04, 2007

Soul searching

I am still working through my reactions to M's question about my long-term goals. While I wish I hadn't read it on Christmas Day, I am beginning to appreciate that she asked it because for the first time in a long time I am really taking a good look at who I really am.

Here is something I wrote in an email to another birthmom the day after I received the letter. I needed to reach out and she was there for me. It also gave me a welcome opportunity to share some specifics I choose not to share in the blog. So a big thank-you to my fellow blogging birthmom and friend.

I'm still smarting from the question in the letter that I received. I really thought I had made progress with my self image and for 36 hours now I have heard all the old voices come back telling me that I'm not fooling anyone, that I really can't do anything right, that I'm worthless. All these years I've spent multi-tasking and staying so busy, feeling like I'm running from something, not slowing down so I can't hear the voices remind me that no matter what I do or how hard I try, I'm never going to amount to anything. I'm a fraud. I'm shiftless and without goals. I have so much potential but I just don't achieve. And I wonder what kind of portrait of me she has painted for my son. I'm not chasing the great American dream of a huge house in a tony neighborhood - does that make me appear like white trash to them with their two homes, private school educations for both children, etc.? (She has commented that our home reminds her of their vacation/summer home and has made comments in subsequent letters about our small, country home.) I don't have long range plans but that's on purpose - it never bothered me until now when I wonder if my "gypsy" ways are being seen in a negative light as it's refracted from M to my son. The possibility that my 'seize the day' philosophy is the reason for not having contact feels like a huge "REJECT" being stamped on my soul. Her one question did all that.


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