Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Damn loop

The loss of my son through adoption at the age of 19 permanently installed the mantra of "you're not good enough" to my loop of thoughts. Despite all my efforts and the progress I feel I've made, it comes out often, even when the shallowest of acquaintances snubs me.

In an effort to stop internalizing the perceived injury to my sense of self, to stop asking myself over and over, "What did I do? What is it about me?", I'll sometimes briefly mention to my husband whatever recent episode in question that has entrenched itself, hoping that it will somehow be purged from my mind, my emotions. Invariably, after I relate how so-and-so saying such-and-such or doing/not doing something that I then took personally, he often responds with something along the lines of, "Oh, I wouldn't make anything of it." End of discussion.

Hmph. Easy to say. Sometimes I am just so tired of being me and wish I could go through life with a thicker skin, without looking for meaning, without expectations. Sounds boring, yes, but also safe.


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