Me and M

I don't know whether M (my son's adoptive mother) was nice to me simply because she wanted my baby. I do know that I felt very close to her and in my heart I still consider her a friend. I contacted her and P early in my pregnancy and was able to celebrate and feel good about my pregnancy with them. We had many phone conversations and talked about the things that were important to us, got to know each other, worked through some logistical things as a team. After placement, we still spoke for a few months by phone. Then they asked me to stopped calling and I was okay with that. She has sent me at least one picture every year at Christmas. Except for Christmas of 2003 and 2004, I have also gotten some kind of an update with the picture(s). They rarely respond in the annual note/letter to specific questions like eye color or blood type (I was curious), but they do reassure me that they are not trying to cut me off and that they think of me often. After reading about some birthmothers’ experiences with their adoptions becoming completely closed, I am grateful to M for being so faithful with the pictures and Christmas box. (She always sends Christmas gifts … although I’d rather have pictures and lots of details in the update.) I can see now that her consistency is actually saying that she does care, rather than the message I previously took which was that I was a last thought, a necessary evil to keep at bay with a short note and yearly photo. Why do we always assume the negative?

When we started the triad relationship, I held the belief that if I were adopting, I wouldn’t want a meddlesome birthmother constantly in the picture reminding me that I didn’t give birth to the child I was raising and feeling like anything I did was subject to her judgment. Therefore, I was okay with just updates and pictures, not knowing their last name or exact address. I did need the updates and pictures, however, because as a human, or at least the human I am, I knew I could not just place and say goodbye forever. I cared about my child, I just didn’t want to be selfish and deprive him of the best life possible.

Now that I am parenting, I find myself at times being reflective about the joy I find in my daughter. I know that P&M found that in our mutual son and that he, in turn, felt that love and has grown up with happiness, warmth and stability, which is exactly what I wanted for him.