Devil's Advocate

So why do I even think I should hope for any kind of contact? Maybe they're all happy as can be (and I do want them to be happy) and I'm living a delusion of hope. I mean really, months can go by without me hearing from my sister, my brother, my parents ... people to whom I am related but seem to think any form of regular contact is unnecessary. I've gone most of my adult life feeling like I'm forcing myself on my family. For example, about a dozen or so years ago I realized one day as I drove four hours south to return to the place where I worked and lived that I had felt really out of place at the family birthday and that I had not been invited, that in fact I showed up at every family birthday, anniversary and most holidays assuming my presence was wanted. But, *light bulb*, maybe my participation was merely accepted rather than welcomed since, after all, no one ever bothered to invite me or at least double check that I was coming.

So maybe I should just lay off and try to stop caring about it - all of it, any of it, and just live my life, enjoy my daughter, "move on".

But in reality, this is just another part of the cycle, a part full of detachment that just a few weeks or months from now I will wish I could feel because the aching hurt and tears will be back.