Thursday, January 25, 2007

Devil's Advocate

So why do I even think I should hope for any kind of contact? Maybe they're all happy as can be (and I do want them to be happy) and I'm living a delusion of hope. I mean really, months can go by without me hearing from my sister, my brother, my parents ... people to whom I am related but seem to think any form of regular contact is unnecessary. I've gone most of my adult life feeling like I'm forcing myself on my family. For example, about a dozen or so years ago I realized one day as I drove four hours south to return to the place where I worked and lived that I had felt really out of place at the family birthday and that I had not been invited, that in fact I showed up at every family birthday, anniversary and most holidays assuming my presence was wanted. But, *light bulb*, maybe my participation was merely accepted rather than welcomed since, after all, no one ever bothered to invite me or at least double check that I was coming.

So maybe I should just lay off and try to stop caring about it - all of it, any of it, and just live my life, enjoy my daughter, "move on".

But in reality, this is just another part of the cycle, a part full of detachment that just a few weeks or months from now I will wish I could feel because the aching hurt and tears will be back.

2 Comments:

Blogger Bear's Mommy said...

All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. I think the same thing all the time about how my boys might never might want to see me and how I should just enjoy MY children.

12:41 AM  
Blogger kim.kim said...

Moving on is not an option and we know that.

Ask for contact, fight for contact, try to get contact and if that gets blocked then plan the next move.

Contact is your right it's not a priveledge. It's your child's right too.

7:14 PM  

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