Who Am I?

I am not the person I strive to be, the person who thought she had "come so far". M's question about long-term goals made me realize that on the outside I have achieved certain milestones, but only because part of me thought I should and yes, a part of me needed to because I do crave and need stability. Hence, the homeownership of a small but nice, affordable home; the marriage to a stable guy who is financially responsible but in a government job that brings with it security but not big bucks - and I'm fine with that. I am not, and never have been, a materialistic person. I don't want a big home, a fancy car or flashy jewelry. However, that doesn't mean I live in a pristine home - I am a pack rat because I save everything that possibly could be used again. I can't figure out why I do this ... it's actually my New Year's resolution to de-clutter my house (and hopefully my life), although I think it will be a lifelong struggle.

I look back on my life and realize I never dated anyone with a college degree. I found my best job satisfaction as a waitress and grocery store cashier because I like doing for others and I like being around people, but a variety of people for short periods of time. But I listened to all the folks who told me that I was intelligent and had so much potential, that I should go back to school, yada yada yada. So now I have my college degree, a good paying job with great benefits, but I sit on my butt every day in a cubicle with no windows. And I feel like what I do every day makes absolutely no difference to anyone. Blech.

When I saw the movie Good Will Hunting several years ago, the message I got from it was that Matt Damon's character had potential that he needed to follow even though that meant leaving his peer group. The movie seemed to enforce the virtues of following your potential - but what happens later when he reaches his potential but never quite fits in with that world and will never fit in with his old world, either? That's how I feel. While I enjoy the stability the life I've achieved brings, I have to consciously try not to do anything that would disturb it. And thus, I deny my true self, and I've denied her for so long that I only know bits and pieces. As I am acknowledging them, I am beginning to figure some things out which isn't always easy, but it's about damn time.