WTF Moment
Well, I knew my feelings of objective detachment would be short-lived, but I didn't think that my return to the emotional roller coaster would take me by surprise.
While I have left my daughter at daycare to go to work and I have left her with sitters like her grandmother and adoring neighbors to go to a movie or Bible study with my husband, we haven't gone out to eat without her. For Valentine's Day, I thought it would be a nice treat to have a meal out with just the two of us. Dining in public with a toddler can be complicated and time consuming. While it's fun to watch her take in the surroundings, flirt with nearby diners (and be flirted with!), and discover new foods, there is little adult conversation as I am very focused on sharing toddler friendly portions of my food with the big-eyed, grunting, reaching vulture, er, princess (lol).
Anyway ... the meal was nice and we were out of there quicker than we have been in a while - much to the surprise of my husband. As we were pulling out, he made a comment about his sister who has the same name as my son's adoptive mother. His sister, however, goes by a nickname and I rarely make the connection in names as a result. Last night, because of the way he said her name, I made an immediate connection and a wave of emotion just flooded my head.
I think a good part of it was the fact we were on our way to pick up our daughter and now that she has become more of a person, rather than a baby, I really felt the loss of my son - that I have two children out there and I should be going home to pick up both of them. So I spent a good bit of the ride back reminding myself of why I didn't have my son, how I was 19 and didn't lead the life I have now, etc. ... but it really was a WTF moment in a big way because the message that was screaming over all my rationalization was "You gave your son to someone else? You gave your baby to someone else?" And it just didn't make sense to me - for the first time in 16+ years (since the entire time I was aware of being pregnant I was committed to adoption) it made no sense to me.
Another part of my emotional roller coaster last night was the almost ever-present new-found realization from the Christmas letter that M doesn't see me necessarily as I thought she did. I thought she knew me as a strong, intelligent, well traveled, well read, yada yada, etc. woman - a peer of sorts. But apparently, I am just another worthless white trash American drifter. Whatever. Knowing she sees me differently than I thought has made me re-think the way I see her.
And I was also picturing my son as I envision him from the picture I received Christmas of 2004. Maybe he is better off without me in his life at all since he really is someone else's son and so far they don't seem to need anything from me ... and may even resent what they do get.
I didn't want to ruin Valentine's Day so I kept all this inside - mostly because I wanted to try to sort it out first, since there were at least three issues going on in that lightning bolt of WTF - the 'giving away' thing yet again, the perception of me by M, and the hole I was feeling in a new and more sorrowful way ... the loss. For the first time in a long time, it was so visual and vivid to me.
Parenting my daughter has given me such a different life perspective and I am so grateful for her and for all the things I've learned, all the ways I've changed since having her. And I am happy for my son that he has great parents, that he is loved, that he has had a good life. I know that no matter what I do, the adoption will always be there. I am just surprised at how emotional I feel right now about it all.
While I have left my daughter at daycare to go to work and I have left her with sitters like her grandmother and adoring neighbors to go to a movie or Bible study with my husband, we haven't gone out to eat without her. For Valentine's Day, I thought it would be a nice treat to have a meal out with just the two of us. Dining in public with a toddler can be complicated and time consuming. While it's fun to watch her take in the surroundings, flirt with nearby diners (and be flirted with!), and discover new foods, there is little adult conversation as I am very focused on sharing toddler friendly portions of my food with the big-eyed, grunting, reaching vulture, er, princess (lol).
Anyway ... the meal was nice and we were out of there quicker than we have been in a while - much to the surprise of my husband. As we were pulling out, he made a comment about his sister who has the same name as my son's adoptive mother. His sister, however, goes by a nickname and I rarely make the connection in names as a result. Last night, because of the way he said her name, I made an immediate connection and a wave of emotion just flooded my head.
I think a good part of it was the fact we were on our way to pick up our daughter and now that she has become more of a person, rather than a baby, I really felt the loss of my son - that I have two children out there and I should be going home to pick up both of them. So I spent a good bit of the ride back reminding myself of why I didn't have my son, how I was 19 and didn't lead the life I have now, etc. ... but it really was a WTF moment in a big way because the message that was screaming over all my rationalization was "You gave your son to someone else? You gave your baby to someone else?" And it just didn't make sense to me - for the first time in 16+ years (since the entire time I was aware of being pregnant I was committed to adoption) it made no sense to me.
Another part of my emotional roller coaster last night was the almost ever-present new-found realization from the Christmas letter that M doesn't see me necessarily as I thought she did. I thought she knew me as a strong, intelligent, well traveled, well read, yada yada, etc. woman - a peer of sorts. But apparently, I am just another worthless white trash American drifter. Whatever. Knowing she sees me differently than I thought has made me re-think the way I see her.
And I was also picturing my son as I envision him from the picture I received Christmas of 2004. Maybe he is better off without me in his life at all since he really is someone else's son and so far they don't seem to need anything from me ... and may even resent what they do get.
I didn't want to ruin Valentine's Day so I kept all this inside - mostly because I wanted to try to sort it out first, since there were at least three issues going on in that lightning bolt of WTF - the 'giving away' thing yet again, the perception of me by M, and the hole I was feeling in a new and more sorrowful way ... the loss. For the first time in a long time, it was so visual and vivid to me.
Parenting my daughter has given me such a different life perspective and I am so grateful for her and for all the things I've learned, all the ways I've changed since having her. And I am happy for my son that he has great parents, that he is loved, that he has had a good life. I know that no matter what I do, the adoption will always be there. I am just surprised at how emotional I feel right now about it all.
posted by Jayne at 10:01 AM
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