Friday, March 23, 2007


I've been in a bit of a funk lately and people around me have noticed, too. My mother came to visit and I think I put a lot of emotional and physical energy into that and turned off a lot of "me" as a protective measure like I usually do when I'm around her. And it's hard to turn it back on ... but I know I need to, especially because I feel like I'm in the denial phase of the/my adoption grief cycle. It seems like I just don't have the energy to think about it and I shove my thoughts and feelings behind a mental door. Then, I catch myself enjoying my daughter and think about my son, and feel guilty.

I am really conflicted about what I want to do - push for some kind of contact or just let it go and wait? When I placed, I wanted my son and his adoptive parents to have a "normal" life and I didn't/don't want to upset their sense of family. However, he's always known he was adopted - that was part of the plan, not to lie to him, etc. - so he has more family than what's in front of him and I don't want to lose any more time than I have already. I want to know him, I want to see what he is like in person. Based on my conversations with M&P while I was pregnant, I thought there would have been contact by now, but there hasn't been. Since they still have all the control here, I am trying to avoid letting an unfulfilled desire cloud my life, but ignoring it doesn't work either.


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