Monday, April 09, 2007


I took Mommela up on her offer to provide some feedback on the letter I am writing to M. After my post the other night, I started to feel angry again and knew I would have trouble sleeping if I didn't just go ahead and write something to M. It helped, but I just shelved it rather than re-writing it on stationery the next morning (and mailing it!) as I had planned and it was a good thing I did, because Mommela had some awesome suggestions - including writing declarative sentences. Wow. What a concept. I am so afraid of M&P taking away what little they provide that I've become this little mouse saying, "oh, but if it's no trouble, please, if you don't mind, well, if you have the time and it's no bother .... "

I wasn't always like this. When I reconnected with the birthfather a few months ago, he showed me a picture from our time together and I could literally see a self-confident young woman and I was shocked! Was that me? Really?

I want to reclaim my self-confidence and sense of worth. I told myself last week that I needed to do two things: write the letter and make an appointment with my therapist (whom I haven't seen in two years). Actually, I knew as soon as I finished reading the letter the first time, on Christmas Day, that I needed to do those two things. I have taken these 3+ months to process my initial emotions and feelings, but I still haven't addressed the underlying crap that has been undermining my self esteem and self image all these years. Writing has helped, as well as reading other blogs, but it's time to visit the therapist again. Reading Mommela's feedback on the letter reinforced the truth that I need other perspectives and input. And I have work to do.

[As a baby step, prior to posting, I edited out several wishy washy words like "perhaps ...".]


Blogger HeatherRainbow said...

good for you ((Jayne))

When we are brought down by so many different things, adoption being just one... it is no wonder that we become insecure and small.

I'm glad that you are finding your strength again.

5:24 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home