Feeling Defeated
You know, I was going to write M an Easter-time letter and enclose it in an Easter card. I was going to attempt to answer the question in her Christmas letter about my long term goals. And I was going to remind her that she had not sent a picture but had promised one. And I was going to ask her to send one before his birthday.
But I didn't. And part of me knew that I wasn't going to do it because I kept coming up with excuses. But I went ahead and bought an Easter card the other day in a lame attempt to encourage myself to write the letter.
But you know what? I am tired of begging. I am tired of asking for something, hoping for something from her. I do it every year at Christmas and it wears me down, wears me out. I do not have the energy to do it more than once a year.
And another thing. While our letters apparently crossed in the mail at Christmas, I would have thought me telling her about my daughter would have at least warranted a card or note of Congratulations. When I'm truthful with myself, I admit that I'm worried, terrified really, that she has taken my daughter's birth as a sign that I have finally "moved on".
She couldn't be further from the truth.
I really need to get the guts up to just write the damn letter to her.
But I didn't. And part of me knew that I wasn't going to do it because I kept coming up with excuses. But I went ahead and bought an Easter card the other day in a lame attempt to encourage myself to write the letter.
But you know what? I am tired of begging. I am tired of asking for something, hoping for something from her. I do it every year at Christmas and it wears me down, wears me out. I do not have the energy to do it more than once a year.
And another thing. While our letters apparently crossed in the mail at Christmas, I would have thought me telling her about my daughter would have at least warranted a card or note of Congratulations. When I'm truthful with myself, I admit that I'm worried, terrified really, that she has taken my daughter's birth as a sign that I have finally "moved on".
She couldn't be further from the truth.
I really need to get the guts up to just write the damn letter to her.
posted by Jayne at 9:17 PM
2 Comments:
As an amom, I have to agree with kim.kim. Sounds like she needs a good dose of remember-the-required-open-adoption-reading-you-had-to-do-before-you-could-adopt. You might even ask if she's changed the committment she made to openness when she took your son from you.
You don't know me from anyone, but I'd be happy to look at what you want to send with the eyes of a defensive amom, to help massage the words so it's received as well as possible.
Mommela - I would appreciate that. Could you email me? jaynebirthmother@yahoo.com
Thanks,
jayne
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