Father's Day
... was harder than the birthday. They didn't coincide this year, but they did when he was born. In the past few days on a couple of non-adoption blogs I regularly read, I read a couple of Father's Day tributes to single teenage moms by their now-grown daughters. Those posts, of course, have made me wonder again why I didn't just tough it out. I know the reason: I wanted the best for him and thought that was what I was doing.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night since there was nothing else to distract me from my thoughts and I just kept going over the birth, the following days, the relinquishment, all the time wishing I had kept him. What kept flashing in my mind is one of his Christmas pictures that year, on his belly in an expensive outfit in front of the tree with tons of Fisher Price toys surrounding him. What I thought the first time I saw that picture was what I still think today: I couldn't have done that for him, but that he didn't need that - he just needed his mama's love. But I know he has gotten plenty of momma and daddy love, just not from me. And that makes me so sad.
It took about 90 minutes for me to realize that I was looking at the situation through the eyes of today rather than 16 years ago and at that point I could let go again, at least temporarily. Yes, I was in a stable relationship with a wonderful man who was not the birthfather but was willing to parent, whose mother really wanted me to parent. Her parting words to me as the three of us left the house for the attorney's office: It's not like you don't have a husband. She knew what she was talking about, she had given up two. But I didn't understand and I could already hear the whispers of "you know, he's not his real son" echoing throughout my son's boyhood and I really didn't want that for him, or for me. Sure he probably still gets it, but he's adopted, he's not just my illegitimate son.
I miss him. I really hope I get a response from M soon.
I had a hard time falling asleep last night since there was nothing else to distract me from my thoughts and I just kept going over the birth, the following days, the relinquishment, all the time wishing I had kept him. What kept flashing in my mind is one of his Christmas pictures that year, on his belly in an expensive outfit in front of the tree with tons of Fisher Price toys surrounding him. What I thought the first time I saw that picture was what I still think today: I couldn't have done that for him, but that he didn't need that - he just needed his mama's love. But I know he has gotten plenty of momma and daddy love, just not from me. And that makes me so sad.
It took about 90 minutes for me to realize that I was looking at the situation through the eyes of today rather than 16 years ago and at that point I could let go again, at least temporarily. Yes, I was in a stable relationship with a wonderful man who was not the birthfather but was willing to parent, whose mother really wanted me to parent. Her parting words to me as the three of us left the house for the attorney's office: It's not like you don't have a husband. She knew what she was talking about, she had given up two. But I didn't understand and I could already hear the whispers of "you know, he's not his real son" echoing throughout my son's boyhood and I really didn't want that for him, or for me. Sure he probably still gets it, but he's adopted, he's not just my illegitimate son.
I miss him. I really hope I get a response from M soon.
posted by Jayne at 2:20 PM
2 Comments:
(((((Jayne)))) I can read the pain in your heart, remembering... I wish I had words to say but anything would seem trite at this moment. Just wanted you to know I am reading... I too hope you hear from M soon, very soon.
Thanks, Tammy.
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