Thursday, July 26, 2007

Not Shame, Just Naive Hope

It's not that I am ashamed. It's that it hurts.

Some birthmoms display pictures of the children they lost to adoption. I don't display my son's pictures because I don't have the relationship I want with him or his adoptive parents. There is no give and take, there are just my unanswered letters and requests. For all intents and purposes there is no connection between us, no relationship.

From my perspective, having pictures of him for anyone to see would be like displaying framed pictures of a celebrity in my home. Yes, I know his image and a few things about him, but I don't really know him. And he doesn't know me. I don't want to have to explain this to anyone who asks who he is.

And I don't want the constant visual reminder of what I don't have, of how his adoptive parents are snubbing me.

Knowing him is my hope and dream and I am just not ready to display that for all to see, for everyone to watch time continue to march on without him in my life at all.

I really thought by this point that there would be some communication, some relationship, that I could display his pictures with a confidence in our relationship, the players and what their roles are, so if someone asks I could say, "Yes, that is my son who was adopted by M&P and who I correspond with a couple of times a year. He's been raised by loving people, had the chance to grow up with a sister and we're all great friends." Without any communication, there is too much ambiguity and I am not ready to say admit that my expectations should be lowered because all I could honestly say about his picture now is, "That is my son who I gave away and who I desperately hope will want to know me one day." That is too sad a story. So I keep his pictures in a special place along with my hope.


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