Monday, June 05, 2006

My Daughter

It's nearing my son's birthday and I'm pretty much my normal basketcase right now. So I thought I would focus a little on my baby daughter. She really is a blessing to me. Before all the emotional baggage of The Birthday came on, I was feeling a sense of fulfillment and happiness that I couldn't remember ever having. But now I feel that guarded feeling of disconnectedness, a feeling that made me turn to blogs in the first place because I was wondering/worrying if I am not bonding as close with my daughter because of the loss of my son. And lately I've spent a lot of time wondering how he was at this age, what things he did first, how fast or slow he grew.

When I had her, people would tell me she was beautiful and it amazed me how many people would say things like, "She's a keeper!" or "You'll keep that one!". Where does this phrase come from? NONE of these people know about my son - I think this must be some kind of generational or regional phrase?! But boy did it make my antennae go up every time I heard it!

My daughter is a keeper. So was my son, I just didn't keep him. If it wasn't for my son, I wouldn't have my daughter. That doesn't really change the way I feel, though. I am still missing him terribly right now. I think part of this range of emotions I am currently experiencing is that she is moving past the newborn infant stage, a stage I've lived the past 15 years with my son (in my head), it's like I'm losing my baby again. At first I thought, oh this is what "regular" moms talk about when their babies grow. Maybe it is.


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