Jealousy

My 18 year-old niece had her baby tonight. She and her boyfriend actually had this baby on purpose. She's in love with her new daughter and excited to be a mother. Another relative had her first baby last week. She's closer to my age and married. Both births made me jealous. I thought that would pass now that I have my daughter. But no, I am still jealous of women who get to keep their firstborns. I'm especially jealous of my niece. I keep wondering what kind of mother I would have been even though I was young. I know I would have been a different mother than I am now - not better, probably not worse, just different. And my daughter is different from my son, as were the pregnancies. My son was up at night and slept all day. The four days I did have with my son were special. I didn't know what I was doing, but I felt like I really knew him and he knew me. Those days have been going through my mind all day now and I have been grieving, again, the opportunity to raise him, to know him, to find utter, complete joy in him. I know he is being raised by good people. But I still miss him oh, so much.