Monday, May 15, 2006

Birthmothers and Real Mothers

I went looking for a blog about birthmothers who went on and became "real"? mothers. I don't even know if there is a term for it ... but a mother who kept a later child to raise. I gave my son to a wonderful family through adoption when I was 19. At 34 I gave birth to my daughter. For many years I thought I didn't want to have children. I slowly discovered or faced the reasons why ... I didn't want to run the risk of replacing any of the wonderful memories of my first pregnancy or the four days I had him - that one was pretty obvious to me. Then I read Margaret Moorman's book Waiting to Forget and realized that my head had apparently figured out I wasn't fit to be a mother if I gave my son up. Apparently part of me was listening to all those people who made comments to me when I was pregnant with him - comments about how awful a mother I was for giving up my baby, for not wanting him; comments about how nice the couple must be that they would raise my baby for me. I knew in my heart that I was doing the best thing for him. And it was wonderful to be able to pick his parents - a couple who truly loved each other 15 years into their marriage and several years into infertility issues. They had already endured at least two situations where the birthmother changed her mind. It was wonderful to have them during my pregnancy, too. They were so supportive and excited and just plain great.

I'll write more about that pregnancy in a later posting. I was hoping to find other birthmothers who later kept a child and see if there were any similarities in emotions and/or experiences. For example, with my son, I felt him move constantly. He and I really bonded during my pregnancy. My daughter, if she moved at all, didn't move enough for me to tell. It was like I was just growing a belly - was that my overpowering desire to retain the memories of my first pregnancy?

My son will be 15 this summer. It was what I call a somewhat open adoption. I had contact with P&M throughout my pregnancy and then shortly after he was born they asked that I don't call anymore. They have always been open with him about being adopted, but I do not have their address and our contact is through Christmas letters. I also always send a birthday gift. So I know how he is doing and get at least one picture a year. I never wanted to intrude, and still don't. I assume if he ever wants to meet me, he will. But I wonder what my true feelings are on that - what if he doesn't? Also, now that he is close to being an adult, should I still expect to rely on the parents for updates? I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable in their family. I do feel that I want to always have some kind of minimal connection with him, or even a relationship of some kind once he's an adult as he goes through life - gets married, has his own kids, etc. I think that is reasonable, but would they?

I want to broach this subject in a letter to them, but want to sort my own feelings out first. Any suggestions from anyone out there?


Blogger Barb said...

hi there. there's actually a "birthmother blog ring", where you might find some of us who are parenting children after placing. you can get to it from my blog.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Cristy said...

I am a birthmother who just had to have more children. I now know that having more children doesn't replace the child you placed. If anything it makes it worse.

4:19 PM  

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