Mid-year letter

I need to sit down and write M a letter. I usually send one with the birthday gifts for my son. I also send one with Christmas gifts. Why? Because I want them to know me and I especially want my son to know me - whether he reads the letters himself or they tell him any news about me. I want him to know I think of him often, that I love him, that I'm normal and have gone onto do the things I "needed" to do with my life since I got a "second chance" by not parenting him. Things like college, a good job, travel, a good credit rating, a solid marriage and a house. Those are all very nice but haven't filled the void that was left the day I gave him away. But that's another subject ...

The last couple of years M didn't send an update letter. She still sent a picture each Christmas and some gifts. I don't care about the gifts ... I rip the box open and dig for the letter and picture. This year she did finally send an update, but this year I didn't. The box I sent contained the gifts and a simple Christmas card, and only because I am determined that my son will not think I have forgotten him, no longer love him, or just don't care.

I've always been grateful that M has kept in touch, even if it's just once a year and through the lawyer's address. However, I wish there had been more letters and more pictures, especially snapshots (because I think they catch personality better) over the past few years. In my mid-year letter I always ask her to send an update and I tell her how much the pictures mean to me. I don't care if I sound pathetic by asking (begging!) because how else will she know if I don't tell her?

I didn't write a letter this past Christmas because I had enough. I was mad that, with all the thought and effort I've put in twice a year, and yeah, love, heartache and emotion, too, she couldn't let me know what hobbies my son has, whether he's had a first girlfriend, who his favorite ballplayer is ... just any little tidbit would do! I also didn't write a letter this year because I knew I wasn't ready to tell her about my daughter. I still wasn't sure how I felt and since no one had asked, I didn't have a reason to really face it nor had I had any preliminary conversations to work through what thoughts and feelings were coming through.

This post is a bit rambling and doesn't seem to have a point. I guess I'm demonstrating how much work I need to do before I actually write her because now that a little time has passed, I have begun drafting letters in my head. There is so much I want to say.