Monday, May 22, 2006

Not a replacement

I have a baby daughter now and she is such a blessing. The few people who know about my son, including my husband, have not said two words to me about him since my daughter was born. This was especially hurtful in the first few weeks while I transitioned into new motherhood - actually being a mama!

I had my son for four days. In order for the parents I chose to be able to adopt him without first going through foster care, we had to travel to their state. If it weren’t for the bond I had with the parents, I couldn’t have gone through with the adoption. I was crying in the hospital knowing that the beautiful baby I immediately had fallen in love with would not one I could keep and raise. The nurses said I had PPD. I couldn’t tell them the real reason or they would have placed him in foster care.

The few who know also haven’t asked me how I am doing now that I have a child to raise. What a transition this has been. Every time something was wrong in the first four months I thought social services would come after me as an unfit parent. While I did voice this concern once to my husband, I didn't make the connection aloud that I made in my head - that I didn't really believe she was mine to keep.

Perhaps they all think she is a replacement, but she's not. She is her own wonderful person and a blessing to me, but my son is still there, somewhere.


Blogger Bethm411 said...

I havent gone through that, because I havent had any other children since baby M (though she is only currently 18 months old) but I did get pregnant last year and miscarried. That was a horrible experience, because I realized that I wanted to be a mom.

I understand about people not asking about the child you "gave up". I have that constantly and I resent my close friend and family that traveled the journey with me for not asking me how she is or how I am.

Thank you for your comments on my blog. Excellent food for thought. I am finally finding people who understand (like you and Barb) and it is helping me to heal.

4:06 PM  
Blogger Tammy said...

Jayne ~ I found you through your postings on my blog. And I am glad I did because I want to ask you... "how ARE you doing now that your daughter is here?" I just wanted to ask because I cannot imagine those who know that you placed your son would not have. I am sorry about that... you truly, truly are a Mama, twice. Don't ever forget it okay??? Blessings on your family...

11:40 PM  
Blogger birthmom1986 said...

I was just going through your blog from a link from another blog. I totally understand what you feel in this post. I too was afraid that my son would be taken from me because I was forced to give my daughter up. I also felt like an imposter waiting for the "real" parents to show up and take him away.

6:39 PM  

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