Sunday, October 21, 2007

Mentioning Him

My dad was diagnosed with cancer two weeks ago and has been in the hospital ever since and the family has gathered around. I have had, and taken, the opportunity to mention my son twice, once to my brother and once to my mother, this past week in "casual" conversation.

The first opportunity arose when I was driving my brother to the airport and we were talking about his son's dependence on his pacifier. My brother asked me about my daughter and I explained that she never took one. I didn't want him to think it was a parenting philosophy against pacifiers (he and I differ on several basic parenting philosophies). I thought twice before adding, "But [son's name] was a sucker from the start and couldn't get enough of his pacifier, so I know that some babies have an instinctual need for one." This was met with nothing but silence and my head started filling with the "oh, maybe I shouldn't have brought him up" thoughts which leads to anger because I feel like my son should be acknowledged, especially if I've gone out on a limb to actually mention him.

The second opportunity was when I was explaining to my mother how hard it is to be in a hospital setting. My dad is really having issues with sleeping at night or even sleeping much during the day. He's right outside the nurses' station in addition to all the lights and constant interruptions for vitals and medications. The rooms in this hospital are super small so there is no break from the hallway lights in the middle of the night if your doorway is open, which his usually is. As an illustration of how hard it is to get any rest or feel like it is even nighttime, I brought up my birth experience with my son since that experience involved a lot more post partum poking and prodding than the one with my daughter. My mother also gave no response, but she was in a bit of a fog to begin with, so I just let that one go.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Nothing prepares you to see your father curled up in a hospital bed as helpless as your 2 year old daughter.

Monday, October 01, 2007


When I'm honest with myself the truth is that I Regret giving up my son.

The Regret has been the elephant in front of me that I keep trying to cover up with sheer curtains of "but his life is better", "he has good parents", etc.

If I truly believed these things I wouldn't have to re-read the messages on the curtains every time to remind myself of those things.

I am tired of spending energy reminding myself.

The truth is I Regret my decision. And the Regret has been there ever since the moment he was laid in my arms.