Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The Language of Flowers

Why is it that when you see or hear your own feelings somewhere else, you finally feel validated? I was reading my local library's book club selection and am glad I wasn't able to make the discussion after finding the main character gave up her baby.

These words really resonated with me.  Sure, they are part of the adoption "kook aid", but they are what I thought back then, too. I've changed words for my own situation. This segment took me back 23 years, like it was last week.

"But as much as I wanted to be reunited, I would not go to [him]. My desire for my [son] felt selfish. Leaving [him] with [M] had been the most loving act  I had ever accomplished. Without me, my [son] would be [better off].  [M] would love [him]. It was everything I wanted for [him]."

The hurt never goes away. I wish I had not just changed my mind, but that I had done something about it, not cared what others thought. Now it is too late. At least he's had a good life. So good he doesn't want or need me. That's what I get for doing what I thought was best.


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