Time to let go
Well, it's been almost 21 years and someday hasn't happened. It's not going to happen. I finally realize that. Why am I so damn gullible?
And for the first time I "get" the birthmoms who have visits and come home with mixed feelings. I have always read those posts with unabashed envy. I would LOVE to have seen my son, known what his eye color turned out to be, heard his toddler laugh, smelled his hair. I wish I had one of his crayon drawings.
After exchanging emails with M, I had those same confused, hurt feelings I get every Christmas when I get a letter or picture. (rarely both) I am so glad to have heard something, but there is so much more left unsaid, so many more questions I have. And you know, I realize now that it would be like that at every visit, if I had ever had the chance to have one. All the what if's, all the shoulda/woulda/coulda's popping up in my subconscious, beaten down by the conscious mind but still there, making me cry and feel raw, wrong and wronged all over again.
It's time to step away and move on. I've had enough of being held emotionally hostage.