Monday, March 01, 2010

Will it ever make sense?

I just don't know. I just know it still hurts. Dammit.

In November/December, I was having weird dreams about my ex-husband, the man I was with when my son was born. He was so perfect for me at that point in my life. About a week before Christmas I googled his name and found out he died in August. OMG!

Then I did get an annual letter from M, no picture, but I noticed on the tags to the Christmas gifts that P was missing and thought maybe divorce. I read the note and no, he died in June. I googled it (since I do know their last name) and discovered he died the day after my son graduated from high school, and days before his 18th birthday. OMG!

I am still having tingling and worried that it might be MS but thinking that it is more likely mini panic attacks since it is pretty localized and comes and goest throughout the day. How much longer can I go on like this. I know it's from trying to be the perfect mother now that I have my chance. How can I let that go? I have no freaking idea. My counselor wasn't very helpful ... try another? What a waste of time and money it might be, and I don't have much of either.

Realized a couple of weeks ago that, now that I have my daughter, I am trying to live the life I imagined I would have had if I had kept my son. Um, hello?!? That is so impossible. And unfair to her and me.

Does it ever make sense? I am beginning to think it never will. If not for her, I wouldn't even bother anymore. Just saying.

4 Comments:

Blogger FauxClaud said...

No..it just never will make sense....

6:20 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Hi Jayne,
I'm glad I came across your blog. It's very healing..what can I say.
These feelings that we birthmother's go through are sometimes pure Hell....sorry..I'm just sayin. I just wanted to introduce myself for now...will be back later for sure. Keep those posts' a coming.

Jennifer

7:55 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

I know how you feel. God, I do! I gave my daughter up when I was 16 and was so lost and alone. This has been my greatest despair and a heart break that only seemed to get more painful as time went on, not better. But then it happened...She found me and wrote to me a few months ago! She's 15 now and I feel so incredibly blessed to have this gift! Please know that the day your son finds you will be the most amazing day you both will ever have. All they want is to know us and know why but most importantly they want to know we love them! Stay strong. I know it's hard and our guilt will eat us alive but the day you hold him, no matter when that happens, it will all make sense.
xoxo
Jen

11:13 AM  
Blogger the low-key society said...

Hey Jayne,

I don't usually comment on blogs, but it sounds like you are in a dark place at the moment, let's call it a neurological metamorphosis...

My recommendation is engaging in some music to try to fire some of those emotional-centered neurons, it can be very healing.

Best of luck.
- lks

8:47 AM  

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