Inferences, assumptions and fantasy

What if he doesn't want to meet me ... ever? I've spent all these years ASSuming at some point he would want to meet me.

I could infer that not wanting to meet me means he is perfectly content with his adoptive family, and for that I am happy for him. I want him to be happy, well adjusted and loved.

Perhaps he feels he knows enough about me through the letters I've sent his adoptive mother and the few pictures she has of me. if so, then that double edged sword has cut me. I wanted him to know me, to know I thought of him often and loved him. But if that has produced a one-way street of communication and love, it disappoints and hurts.

A few years ago I read that adopted girls have much more of a desire to search out their birthmothers than boys. This upset and depressed me for a period of time. It still nags at me.

I really wanted to meet him as a boy. I wanted to see what he was like at that partially shaped point in his life. Now he is a teenager and I've always felt awkward around teenagers.

And I've always had this fantasy of being invited to their home, seeing the place where he grew up, looking at photo albums together and watching home videos. And eating up every moment of it.