Monday, July 17, 2006

Clueless?

Every time I leave my daughter in daycare, especially after a weekend where I've had her all to myself for two days, I feel that loss that reminds me of not having my son. I can't help it ... the same mantra goes through my head of what "they tell you", I gave him to capable parents so that I could _________ [fill in the blank: get on with my life doing the things I needed to do to finish growing up, becoming a productive adult, yada yada yada]. Each day I leave her, I hear the voice tell me that I am giving her to a capable daycare provider so I can go to work. Why? Is work so much more important than she is? No. Is what I do when she isn't with me memorable, worthwhile or important? No. But I need to earn a paycheck (since income and health insurance are not to be sneezed at) when I really, really want to be home taking care of her, playing with her, etc.

I can't help feeling that my actions are telling me that my work is more important than she is. It is SO bogus, but for 14+ years I told myself that going to school, earning money, traveling, etc. were all things that needed to be done to make good use of the time to justify not having kept my son. Yet no matter how much I accomplished or how busy I kept myself, I knew I wasn't good enough to be a mother. The act of giving up my own flesh and blood that had grown inside me, a person I loved so instantly and so much, proved that to me.

So every day I am reminded of separation. And this morning, while I forget what the preceding innocuous comment was on giving up something, when my husband said, "But you wouldn't give up [Baby Girl]." My gut felt like it had been kicked and I said instantly with earnest conviction, almost yelled, "Oh, God, NO!" And I just looked at her. I couldn't look at him. How could he say that? That's not something to ever, ever say out loud to me. EVER.

1 Comments:

Blogger Maxine said...

Parenting after adoption is hard. I second-guess myself all the time. It's MUCH better now than when my daughter was a baby, but I still struggle some days. When I was pregnant and we were deciding about whether or not I would stay home (I do, I'm homeschooling my daughter), I was so confused... did I want to stay home because it was best for us or because I was trying to make up for something??? I'm not sure I know the answer even now...

6:13 AM  

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