Been Reading

Been busy reading other blogs these past couple of weeks, especially moms who have gone onto parent a child. (thanks kim.kim) I really appreciated Maxine's comment, too, on my bonding post. It's helpful to know that others experience these emotions, thought and fears. I haven't found a lot of posts about these issues, but there are comments here and there and finding them has been wonderful.

I've also spent this time enjoying and appreciating my daughter for who she is. It's actually easy for the time to fly by, spending time with her and taking care of her. And I've been able to let the time fly by - rather than having these thoughts that somehow I need to bottle it all up and save it. Yesterday for the first time I realized that spending time with her is like spending time with a person. That sounds weird and I'm not sure how best to explain it. But rather than this prized possession I've waited 14+ years to have, she is a person with her own personality who spends time with me. (Note: I most definitely know she is a person and not a possession, it's just an analogy.) Sure, I do a lot for her, but I am finally reaching a point where I am letting her be who she is, not the baby I had fantasized about all this time. I'm not concentrating on all the things she doesn't do, like how she doesn't lay her head of my shoulder and fall asleep or how she is different from her brother and how that is a reminder of what I've lost.

Sure parts of me are beginning to worry that I am forgetting her brother, that I am not doing what I need to do to perserve my memories of him. And it's been almost a month since I wrote M the letter asking for more frequent contact so I could learn more about him, and I've heard nothing. In the letter I didn't tell her about my daughter. I wasn't sure I was ready. Okay, I knew I wasn't ready. I wanted to figure out first how I felt about everything - like that'll ever happen. Okay, I wanted to wait until I was ready to share my daughter with her. After all, she has my son.